Weird, Wicked Weird: Bidding adieu to another weird year, part 2

Published Jan 08, 2011 12:00 am | Last updated Jan 08, 2011 12:00 am

Zombies. Superheroes. Psychic sex.
Need we say more?
Today, the second half of the Weird, Wicked Weird annual wrap-up.
Hanging up their capes?
The streets of L-A may soon be down two superheroes.
Significant, because there were only two to start.
Slapjack and Dreizehn are thinking of moving on.
The twenty-something boyfriend and girlfriend have been, separately, dressing up in costume for years, maintaining secret identities and patrolling the streets for scofflaws or people in need of a hand. They met through the online Real Life Superhero movement. Slapjack is local; Dreizehn settled here earlier this year.
Since spring, they’ve walked Twin Cities streets in the wee hours several nights a week.
They approached the Sun Journal in the wake of the popular “Kick-Ass” movie that made, in their opinion, doing what they do look just a little too easy. (Though both go out with protective gear like batons and electrified brass knuckles, Dreizehn has been threatened, beaten up and hit by a car in the line of uber-Good Samaritan duty.)
Before the story ran, both families weren’t aware of the pair’s extracurricular activities.
Since?
No dots have been connected, says Slapjack. “As far as I know, nobody really has an idea.”
They started cutting back on the nightly excursions this fall. Moving, packing, working and superheroing can take its toll, he said.
Slapjack said he isn’t sure how soon he and Dreizehn will resume patrols in their new, bigger city, a city that could include, for the first time, other costumes.
“It’s like going to a new school; you lose all your friends,” he said. “If you’re part of a club or something you have to go join a new group of people and kind of learn their ways.”
?

Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Mainers?

L-A's Real Life Superheroes
Originally Posted: http://www.downeast.com/maine-the-week-in-review/2010/june/knows-lurks-hearts-mainers
By Al_Diamon
One of the things Maine doesn’t have that other states do – besides oil washing up on our beaches, casinos wasting our money, and Rod Blagojevich – is super-heroes. I’m not sure why this is, although I suspect newly chosen Republican gubernatorial nominee Paul LePage would blame high taxes, government regulations, and a poor business climate, while the Democrats’ choice, Libby Mitchell, would cite our failure to reform our tax code, lack of universal health care, and declining support for higher education.
Whatever the reason, the fact remains that Superman’s rocket from Krypton didn’t land in Mattawamkeag, Tony Stark’s factory isn’t located in Westbrook, and Mighty Mouse prefers Wisconsin cheese.
There have been sporadic attempts in the past to create a costumed character that fit Maine’s character. Alas, Super-Lobster was destroyed in a cataclysmic clash with the evil Steamer Pot and Drawn-Butter Girl. Johnny Chainsaw got cut to pieces by Kaptain Kickback and his demonic sidekick, Tree Spike. And Bed-And-Breakfast Man lost his epic financial battle with The Recession.
But just when the Pine Tree State had seemingly resigned itself to always playing second fiddle to the likes of Gotham City and Smallville, along comes a report in the Lewiston Sun Journal that two costumed crime fighters have been spotted working the mean streets of Lewiston and Auburn. “Dreizehn” (it’s the German word for “thirteen”) and “Slapjack” (it’s the English word for a stupid card game) are not the products of a gamma-ray experiment gone wrong like the Hulk, or a lightning strike like the Flash or super energy pills like Underdog.
They seem to be ordinary people, who – like Batman – suffer from some sort of psychological disorder that causes them to abandon all fashion sense. Or as Dreizehn put it in the Sun Journal, “Going out at 2 a.m. with a mask on and thinking you’re going to save the world, it says a lot about you.”
Both Dreizehn and Slapjack are in their twenties and, in the best super-hero tradition, keep their real identities secret, lest they become targets of such super-villains as Snide Down East Blogger Guy, with his evil Scepter of Ridicule. While Lewiston’s dynamic duo possess no extraordinary powers or mysterious abilities, the two masked vigilantes do carry batons, night-vision goggles, protective vests, and Taser-equipped brass knuckles. They also have cell phones to call the cops if they spot a drunk driver or somebody bigger than they are doing something bad.
They told the paper they’re going public with their crusade because of recent publicity relating to the movie “Kick-Ass,” about some – What? A message from my editor? I can’t use the words “Kick-Ass” on this site because it might offend the sensibilities of Down East’s refined readership? Has he seen the words Mike Tipping is getting away with over in the politics section? Oh, all right – I apologize. I meant to refer to that movie as either “K*ck-*ss” or “Kick-Butt” or possibly “Kick-Bottom.” Anyway, it’s about regular people who decide to be super-heroes, and one of them calls himself something like “Kick-Patootie,” which is how the movie got its name that I can’t use.
Slapjack and Dreizehn are also part of a group called Real Life Superheroes.
According to Slapjack, there are two other members in Maine, “The Beetle” and “Mrs. The Beetle.”
Well, I suppose The Tick and The Fly were already taken, and The Black Fly would be more of a bad guy. Still, Maine is severely deficient in caped crusaders, which may be why we have so many black flies. To correct that problem, I suggest some of you get busy creating masks, gloves, and boots, as well as wearing your underwear on the outside of your longjohns. Because it’s time for this state to take its rightful place in the pantheon of super-hero-approved locations.
You’ve heard of the Justice League.
You’ve heard of the Teen Titans.
You’ve heard of the Avengers.
But you’ve never heard of anything like the Society to Terminate Evil-doers And Maine’s Emergency Response Society (S.T.E.A.M.E.R.S.).
OK, the name needs work.
The members of S.T.E.A.M.E.R.S. are:
Toad Man: Eats black flies. With fava beans and a nice Chianti. A little on the creepy side, but then toads generally are.
Black Ice. He’s actually a white guy (we don’t have too many minorities), who can turn any surface into a slippery hell. In real life, he’s the mild-mannered driver of a Department of Transportation sand truck. He has a lot of trouble dealing with the contradiction.
Skidoo. Using mystic powers he learned from an ancient order of monks based in Livermore Falls, he discovered how to cloud men’s minds (and, after several shots of Allen’s coffee brandy and milk, women’s minds, as well), making them believe there’s some recreational value to riding around on snowmobiles in sub-freezing temperatures. His nemesis is Trademark Lawyer, who isn’t about to let him steal that name without paying dearly.
Snowblower. After his defeat in the Republican gubernatorial primary, former ski mogul Les Otten set to work on his next project: combining human DNA with the mechanical parts of a snow gun. He injects himself with his experimental serum, only to discover he can’t control the huge piles of white stuff that spew from his mouth.
Ms. Matinicus. Bitten by the island-living bug, she finds herself possessed of the power to smash stereotypes about inhabitants of communities well out to sea. Which also happens to be the name of her forthcoming book. Order a copy or she’ll kick your *ss.
Pier Fry. Based in a secret cave beneath his namesake landmark in Old Orchard Beach, this deep-fried defender of the innocent can raise an opponent’s cholesterol by as much as thirty points. He also attracts seagulls. Which means seagull poop. That’s not healthy, either.
Captain Cape Elizabeth. A wealthy playboy by day, but once the sun goes down, he becomes … a wealthy super-hero. Together with his partners, Foreside Boy and Gold-Coast Girl, he lures criminals into Ponzi schemes, heavily leveraged hedge funds, worthless stock options, and investments in Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld 2.”
Red Tide. He’s actually a white guy, too. It’s pretty much all we’ve got. Bitten by a radioactive shellfish, he suddenly finds himself inclined to lecture others on the many benefits of communism. It softens them up for the other heroes.
Blueberry Woman. Also Caucasian. If any oxidants come around, she can destroy them by beaming antioxidant rays from her eyes. Makes a nice muffin, too.
Winning University of Maine Women’s Basketball Coach. Perhaps because of the low pay, a mere $110,000 per year, this super-hero is probably a myth.
Strangely enough, Al Diamon and the masked avenger known as The Beer Tap have never been seen together. E-mail him at [email protected] and ask why.

Weird, Wicked Weird: Maine's Real Life Superheroes. Yup, for real.

L-A's Real Life Superheroes
Originally posted: http://www.sunjournal.com/city/story/844777
By Kathryn Skelton, Staff Writer
Her mom thought she was doing drugs, slipping out at night, wandering the streets.
Mom didn’t realize her little girl was actually busy atoning and avenging.
As the self-styled superhero “Dreizehn” (that’s the number 13 in German), she’d slip out and look for trouble, interrupting drug deals and vehicle break-ins. Think “Kick-Ass,” but in real life. Sometimes it worked, sometimes the teenager got beaten up, badly.
Dreizehn moved to Maine from a big city outside New England a few months ago to join her similarly self-styled superhero boyfriend, “Slapjack.” Several nights a week they walk Lewiston-Auburn for hours on end as roving Good Samaritans, looking for trouble.

""Slapjack," left, and "Dreizehn" walk past the Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Lewiston on a quiet Tuesday night in May, looking for anyone in need. They will call for police or tow trucks if needed. Dreizehn has broken up a drug deal, for which she took "a pretty severe beating," she said.

“”Slapjack,” left, and “Dreizehn” walk past the Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Lewiston on a quiet Tuesday night in May, looking for anyone in need. They will call for police or tow trucks if needed. Dreizehn has broken up a drug deal, for which she took “a pretty severe beating,” she said.


The streets here? Much less mean, in her limited experience.
Most nights their foot patrol means giving bottled water and granola bars to the homeless and maybe yelling at a graffiti artist, all the while costumed and armed with batons, knife-proof protective wear and brass knuckles electrified with Tasers.
Dreizehn and Slapjack are in their 20s. Their parents? They still have no clue.
“You kind of have to be a little unstable to do it,” Dreizehn said. “Going out at 2 a.m. with a mask on and thinking you’re going to save the world, it says a lot about you.”
Origin stories
They got started for different reasons. About four years ago, Slapjack said he read an article in VIBE magazine on the Real Life Superheroes movement, a worldwide community, to which they now belong, of people who dress up, assume names and do varying degrees of charity work and criminal deterrence.
Close friends of Slapjack had their home broken into. Another was hit by a drunk driver, part of Slapjack’s motivation now to hang outside bars. He calls police to report plate numbers when he sees people that he suspects have had too much to drink get behind the wheel.
“I believe in civilian patrols. The police can only be so many places at once, especially at night,” Slapjack said. “I think it’s everyone’s responsibility to keep an eye on their communities.”
He picked his code name from a favorite card game played with his grandmother.
The younger Dreizehn has been going out longer, since 2003.
Self-proclaimed Real Life Superhero "Dreizehn" walks down a quiet Lewiston street in May. The RLS website has members worldwide.

Self-proclaimed Real Life Superhero “Dreizehn” walks down a quiet Lewiston street in May. The RLS website has members worldwide.


“I started out, really, just bored, and didn’t want to cause trouble,” she said.
In looking to thwart mischief, there was also an element of making amends for her brother.
“He was robbing and completely destroying our family through his actions,” Dreizehn said. “It made me want to do something so nobody had to go through the pain I had to.”
She dresses to add bulk to her frame — a compressed chest, a man’s trench, men’s boots. Sometimes, in her experience, just walking up to someone is enough to make them stop whatever it is they’re doing, mainly because she appears to be a 200-plus-pound man wearing a full black and red mask with sheer white fabric eye holes.
Once on patrol, Slapjack found an unconscious man collapsed in the middle of the street and dragged him to the side of the road, potentially saving him from being run over.
But it doesn’t always go swimmingly.
“I got hit by a car,” Dreizehn said. And once, in what she believed was a meth buy, “I got ahold of what they were dealing. I ended up really taking a beating. I had my mask taken off. I managed to crawl and bite my way out of it. I had a death grip on (the meth).”
She picked her code name as a nod to her German heritage.
Why the names at all if everything’s on the up and up?
Their reasons are threefold. First, they say they don’t want their workplaces or families finding out, then worrying, questioning or demanding they give it up. Second, the couple doesn’t want to be harassed; they are, occasionally, snitches. A superhero named “Shadow Hare” began showing his face around Cincinnati too much and “the city completely turned on him,” Dreizehn said.
Lastly, putting on the costume, and wearing the name, is like becoming someone else.
“Your fear goes away,” Slapjack said.
Added his girlfriend, Dreizehn: “I wanted to be able to put a mask on so I could be somebody greater and better.”
They met through the Real Life Superheroes group. There aren’t too many others in Maine. He can name two, “The Beetle” and “Mrs. The Beetle.”
Taking it to the street
They go out on foot patrol two or three nights a week, often between roughly 11 p.m. and 3 a.m. She likes walking both cities. He prefers Lewiston.
Dreizehn and Slapjack cover about 5 miles at a stretch, carrying food, water, note pads, flashlights, cameras, night-vision goggles and cell phones. Ninety to 95 percent of the time, they’re just two people out for a walk. Two costumed, very prepared people.
If and when it comes to it, she’s clearly the scrapper. He’s never gotten in a physical confrontation.
“You’re McGruff; I’m the Punisher,” Dreizehn teased, walking through Kennedy Park on a Tuesday night in May.
Thursday, Friday and Saturday tend to be busiest, with more people on the street.
“But you never know; crime never takes a day off,” Slapjack said.
He keeps a map at home synced up to the local police crime bulletins, looking for neighborhoods or streets with patterns and familiarizing himself with people wanted on warrants.
Lewiston police Lt. Mark Cornelio checked around the station — no one he spoke with was aware of a pair of costumes on the street.
“Without knowing what their crime-fighting (is), it would be tough to say whether we agree with it or disagree with it,” Cornelio said. “My thing, I would rather have people be good witnesses.”
There’s also a reason for official police training and the lessons that come with it, he said.
Dreizehn and Slapjack said they were inspired to make themselves known now because of the “Kick-Ass” movie.
It’s not as easy as it looks on the screen.
“It was a funny little movie,” Dreizehn said. “But it’s completely disillusioned. It’s nothing like we do.”