{"id":3951,"date":"2010-06-10T23:24:41","date_gmt":"2010-06-11T06:24:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reallifesuperheroes.org\/?p=3951"},"modified":"2010-06-10T23:24:41","modified_gmt":"2010-06-11T06:24:41","slug":"who-knows-what-evil-lurks-in-the-hearts-of-mainers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/2010\/06\/10\/who-knows-what-evil-lurks-in-the-hearts-of-mainers\/","title":{"rendered":"Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Mainers?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"L-A's<\/a>
\nOriginally Posted: http:\/\/www.downeast.com\/maine-the-week-in-review\/2010\/june\/knows-lurks-hearts-mainers<\/a>
\nBy Al_Diamon<\/a>
\nOne of the things Maine doesn\u2019t have that other states do \u2013 besides oil washing up on our beaches, casinos wasting our money, and Rod Blagojevich \u2013 is super-heroes. I\u2019m not sure why this is, although I suspect newly chosen Republican gubernatorial nominee Paul LePage<\/a> would blame high taxes, government regulations, and a poor business climate, while the Democrats\u2019 choice, Libby Mitchell<\/a>, would cite our failure to reform our tax code<\/a>, lack of universal health care, and declining support for higher education.
\nWhatever the reason, the fact remains that Superman\u2019s rocket from Krypton didn\u2019t land in Mattawamkeag<\/a>, Tony Stark\u2019s factory<\/a> isn\u2019t located in Westbrook, and Mighty Mouse<\/a> prefers Wisconsin cheese.
\nThere have been sporadic attempts in the past to create a costumed character that fit Maine\u2019s character. Alas, Super-Lobster was destroyed in a cataclysmic clash with the evil Steamer Pot and Drawn-Butter Girl. Johnny Chainsaw got cut to pieces by Kaptain Kickback and his demonic sidekick, Tree Spike. And Bed-And-Breakfast Man lost his epic financial battle with The Recession.
\nBut just when the Pine Tree State had seemingly resigned itself to always playing second fiddle to the likes of Gotham City<\/a> and Smallville<\/a>, along comes a report in the Lewiston Sun Journal<\/em><\/a> that two costumed crime fighters have been spotted working the mean streets of Lewiston and Auburn. \u201cDreizehn\u201d (it\u2019s the German word for \u201cthirteen\u201d) and \u201cSlapjack\u201d (it\u2019s the English word for a stupid card game) are not the products of a gamma-ray experiment gone wrong like the Hulk<\/a>, or a lightning strike like the Flash<\/a> or super energy pills like Underdog<\/a>.
\nThey seem to be ordinary people, who \u2013 like Batman<\/a> \u2013 suffer from some sort of psychological disorder that causes them to abandon all fashion sense. Or as Dreizehn put it in the Sun Journal,<\/em> \u201cGoing out at 2 a.m. with a mask on and thinking you\u2019re going to save the world, it says a lot about you.\u201d
\nBoth Dreizehn and Slapjack are in their twenties and, in the best super-hero tradition, keep their real identities secret, lest they become targets of such super-villains as Snide Down East<\/em> Blogger Guy, with his evil Scepter of Ridicule. While Lewiston\u2019s dynamic duo possess no extraordinary powers or mysterious abilities, the two masked vigilantes do carry batons, night-vision goggles, protective vests, and Taser-equipped brass knuckles. They also have cell phones to call the cops if they spot a drunk driver or somebody bigger than they are doing something bad.
\nThey told the paper they\u2019re going public with their crusade because of recent publicity relating to the movie \u201cKick-Ass<\/a>,\u201d about some \u2013 What? A message from my editor? I can\u2019t use the words \u201cKick-Ass\u201d on this site because it might offend the sensibilities of Down East<\/em>\u2019s refined readership? Has he seen the words Mike Tipping<\/a> is getting away with over in the politics section? Oh, all right \u2013 I apologize. I meant to refer to that movie as either \u201cK*ck-*ss\u201d or \u201cKick-Butt\u201d or possibly \u201cKick-Bottom.\u201d Anyway, it\u2019s about regular people who decide to be super-heroes, and one of them calls himself something like \u201cKick-Patootie,\u201d which is how the movie got its name that I can\u2019t use.
\nSlapjack and Dreizehn are also part of a group called Real Life Superheroes<\/a>.
\nAccording to Slapjack, there are two other members in Maine, \u201cThe Beetle\u201d and \u201cMrs. The Beetle.\u201d
\nWell, I suppose The Tick<\/a> and The Fly<\/a> were already taken, and The Black Fly would be more of a bad guy. Still, Maine is severely deficient in caped crusaders, which may be why we have so many black flies. To correct that problem, I suggest some of you get busy creating masks, gloves, and boots, as well as wearing your underwear on the outside of your longjohns. Because it\u2019s time for this state to take its rightful place in the pantheon of super-hero-approved locations.
\nYou\u2019ve heard of the Justice League<\/a>.
\nYou\u2019ve heard of the Teen Titans<\/a>.
\nYou\u2019ve heard of the Avengers<\/a>.
\nBut you\u2019ve never heard of anything like the Society to Terminate Evil-doers And Maine\u2019s Emergency Response Society (S.T.E.A.M.E.R.S.).
\nOK, the name needs work.
\nThe members of S.T.E.A.M.E.R.S. are:
\nToad Man: Eats black flies. With fava beans and a nice Chianti. A little on the creepy side, but then toads generally are.
\nBlack Ice. He\u2019s actually a white guy (we don\u2019t have too many minorities), who can turn any surface into a slippery hell. In real life, he\u2019s the mild-mannered driver of a Department of Transportation sand truck. He has a lot of trouble dealing with the contradiction.
\nSkidoo. Using mystic powers he learned from an ancient order of monks based in Livermore Falls, he discovered how to cloud men\u2019s minds (and, after several shots of Allen\u2019s coffee brandy and milk, women\u2019s minds, as well), making them believe there\u2019s some recreational value to riding around on snowmobiles in sub-freezing temperatures. His nemesis is Trademark Lawyer, who isn\u2019t about to let him steal that name without paying dearly.
\nSnowblower. After his defeat in the Republican gubernatorial primary, former ski mogul Les Otten<\/a> set to work on his next project: combining human DNA with the mechanical parts of a snow gun. He injects himself with his experimental serum, only to discover he can\u2019t control the huge piles of white stuff that spew from his mouth.
\nMs. Matinicus. Bitten by the island-living bug, she finds herself possessed of the power to smash stereotypes about inhabitants of communities well out to sea. Which also happens to be the name of her forthcoming book<\/a>. Order a copy or she\u2019ll kick your *ss.
\nPier Fry. Based in a secret cave beneath his namesake landmark in Old Orchard Beach, this deep-fried defender of the innocent can raise an opponent\u2019s cholesterol by as much as thirty points. He also attracts seagulls. Which means seagull poop. That\u2019s not healthy, either.
\nCaptain Cape Elizabeth. A wealthy playboy by day, but once the sun goes down, he becomes \u2026 a wealthy super-hero. Together with his partners, Foreside Boy and Gold-Coast Girl, he lures criminals into Ponzi schemes, heavily leveraged hedge funds, worthless stock options, and investments in Kevin Costner\u2019s \u201cWaterworld 2.\u201d
\nRed Tide. He\u2019s actually a white guy, too. It\u2019s pretty much all we\u2019ve got. Bitten by a radioactive shellfish, he suddenly finds himself inclined to lecture others on the many benefits of communism. It softens them up for the other heroes.
\nBlueberry Woman. Also Caucasian. If any oxidants come around, she can destroy them by beaming antioxidant rays from her eyes. Makes a nice muffin, too.
\nWinning University of Maine Women\u2019s Basketball Coach. Perhaps because of the low pay<\/a>, a mere $110,000 per year, this super-hero is probably a myth.
\nStrangely enough, Al Diamon and the masked avenger known as The Beer Tap have never been seen together. E-mail him at<\/em> aldiamon@herniahill.net<\/a> and ask why.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Al Diamon of DownEast.com comments on Maine’s RLSH<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":33780,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[9],"tags":[733,782,1500,1573,1989,2251,2433,2526,2648,2795],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3951"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3951"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3951\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/33780"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3951"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3951"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rlsh.net\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3951"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}